So, I haven't written on my blog for a while. Perhaps because I got a few things off my chest and decided that I didn't really have much to talk about anymore. Perhaps because I'm not good at writing things down, because when I read them back to myself that would make it real. I can't even be sure how my own mind ever works. But now it seems the perfect time to write some more stuff down, figure myself out a bit more.
Today I woke up, and I just felt like something was missing (and it had nothing to do with my freshly cut hair - even though I do miss it). It's definately something more, yet I can't quite put my finger on it. Some days I just get that feeling, and today happened to be one of them. I seem to be stumbling through my life with no immediate sense of direction. In fact I get that feeling most days. Nothing to look forward to, just the same old story, monotony, just doing the same as I did yesterday, get up, work, eat, come home, try to sleep, not succeed, write some stuff, repeat.
When I was younger I always had something to look forward to, or at least I had some vague idea of the direction I was supposed to be headed. Going to High School. Doing my GCSEs. A-Levels, then off to college. I always knew what I wanted to do, and how I was going to get there. Unfortunately things never go as planned. There are things, hurdles even - in my case they are mainly my own vices, always something that seems to prevent me from doing what I want to do with myself. When I was at High School it was bullies, and eventually my illness. In Sixth Form it was drugs and self-harm. When I went to college it was the alcohol, and ultimately the music that prevented me from fulfilling my own dream (be it my back-up dream) of doing illustration and graphic design. That was the year that confirmed I wanted a career in music.
So, this year I have started a fresh new leaf. I have different friends to those that I started last year with, friends who I love, whether they be in this continent or another. I have my band, my four wonderful girls, with whom I am going to the top. I started drinking again, but strictly no drugs this time, unfortunately the two seem to come hand in hand in my world, but I have done well nonetheless. Damn addictive personality...
You could say in all I'm altogether a different person to who I was last year. I look at guys differently, perhaps in a more grown up manner, and not that of an immature lonely girl who wanted as many guys as she could possibly surround herself with. Now I see them less as objects which I loved to collect, more actual people - although I didn't really ever let them see the real me.
I view my friendships differently, I used to be so monogamous to a very small circle of friends, but I've realised that although to have a smaller inner circle of friends is something precious, that you need more than that, even to be more receptive to the idea of letting new people in. Sometimes it's good to let people see the real me. It's not that I ever gave a fuck what people thought about me, it was just that as soon as you let someone close to you, it leaves you vulnerable to disappointment. Something that I have gotten far too familiar with.
And I've also learnt that in friendship, although giving is always good, sometimes you should get something back, and not let people walk the fuck all over you, which apparantly I do without realising it.
Essentially, despite learning these things, I still haven't learnt how to achieve my goals, because obviously they aren't going to achieve themselves, and I'll be damned if things aren't going to get in my way. This year, being the year of my 21st birthday, is going to be the year of me. I just can't wait around for things just to fall into my lap, because that's just not how things are done, and I damn well can't rely on other people to lend a hand. I've been let down too many times this year already, which quite frankly is very stupid of me for letting them take that advantage
I wish I knew where I was going with this point, but unfortunately that's the part that's missing
Where exactly is it that I am going?
Ultimately, that's my goal for the year. To find out what exactly is my purpose in this world. Recently I've started to evaluate every tiny aspect of my life. Probably a very foolish thing to do. Work: Do I REALLY want to work there anymore? Friends: Are they really as "there for me" as I have been led to believe. My band: When the fuck are we going to get our asses in gear and get this gig off the ground? Family: Why the fuck do I put up with the shit they give me? Relationships: What EXACTLY is the point of them? And why does everything seem to be getting in the way of me having the one damn person in the whole world that I am actually interested in?
I've even been looking at myself under the microscope. I've never given a fuck what people think of me, but for some reason I've changed completely from the person I used to be. Only God knows if it's for the better or not
