10/10/2007

Today I'm reminded of the phrase "When it rains, it pours".

Yesterday I returned from California, where I spent the happiest 90 days of my life. I caught up with old friends who I love very much, and I made new friends who I also love, and I hope it isn't too long before I see them again.

Now at home I feel lost. So much has happened in the course of two days. I left behind a boyfriend, and some of the best friends I will ever have. I found out that my Grandad died while I was away. I came home to a house where I feel like a guest as I don't even have a bed to sleep in, but a nice sofa. Alone. And some other things that I don't even want to put down on paper, because I fear my heart will break.

Now the only thing I have to look forward to is a funeral, looking for another dead-end job, and well.... that's all I've thought through for now.

Looks like I'm in the same mess I was three months ago, only this time I feel I've lost a lot more. Sometimes I really do wish the world would swallow me up.

06/10/2007

Yet another sleepless early morning. I've got my problems whittled down to the fact that I'm just neurotic - there can be no other solution. Another morning of waking up at 5.30, cold and alone, and realising that my prettier half has yet again opted for a night on the sofa with a film, instead of coming to sleep next to me. And because I'm insane, it bothered me.

Most of the time when I have what I call "Night Crazies" I do stupid things. I send text messages that I later regret, or an email, sometimes even a song. There are other kinds of crazies too. I get what Sugar and I refer to as "Girl Crazies". Most of the time we like to think that we're not like other girls, but every so often usually when there's a member of the opposite sex in mind, we get "Girl Crazy". I'm not usually jealous, or possessive, or any of the other traits that girls can have when they are in a relationship, but occasionally something will shift and the girl in me will take over.

When the "Girl" and the "Night" crazies are combined it's a lethal combination, and is probably what's fuelling this very blog. No doubt I'll look back in a couple days I'll look back at this and think to myself how stupid I sound, with my girly little problems. I just get the feeling that one day they won't be crazies any more, but they might become a permanent resident in my head.

And God help the man who just so happens to be in my line of vision at that time.

15/09/2007

It's 5;30am. At the moment the quest for sleep seems to be a never-ending struggle. Most of the time I dont mind. Sometimes I don't even want to sleep. There's just so many more productive things I could be doing with my life. Right now just happens not to be one of those times. Sometimes I wish time would just stand still so that I can just sit back and take everything in. Even for a moment. Sometimes I want time to stop altogether. Just to stop being. Not to die, but just to fade away. It's times like these where I want to sleep. Just put my weary head down and rest forvever. There's no feeling more frustrating than not being able to.

Today has been a day for long drawn out conversations. Today my two friends and I discussed religion and what it means to us. It's funny how when you meet new people from across the world they can have the same beliefs and ideas that you do, even when you have a completely different upbringing and background. It's also funny when you find out people you've known for years have a completely diffrent view. I was brought up at a Christian school, and although neither of my parents were religious I would take myself to church every Sunday. It was nice to have something to believe in, a group of people to belong to.

Another thing which intrigues me is how your beliefs change as you grow older. With time, I wouldn't say I have grown skeptical, but through my adolescent years I did pull away from my beliefs. I don't believe in a God per-say, but what I DO believe is that there is a higher being, a reason for our existence, and I also believe there is some form of after-life, be it reincarnation or another plane of existence. I find it hard to believe that we weren't made for some reason, that we were just blinked into existence, and that when we die that's it, and you're gone. I just find it very difficult to comprehend, however fantastical my ideas may seem.

I just finished watching a film an hour ago. A film where one of the most beautiful young women I have ever seen is dying of cancer, and her extremely handsome husband (who just so happens to be a doctor) is fighting to find a cure to keep her by his side forever. The dying wife, writes a story, which kind of acts as a side-story to the plot of the film, in which two warring countries are searching for the Tree of Life, which they believe (as Genesis depicts) was hidden by God after original sin. The Queen (played by the dying wife) of one of the countries sends her lover (the husband) to find it, so that they can live forever side by side.

Whilst watching the film my friend said to me that you can live forever through music, through art, through having children, through leaving things that make your mark on the world. But after time these things will diminish, new songs will be sung, new pictures will be painted, new children will be born. So what is the never-ending struggle for eternal life? Why are people so reluctant to give in to the inevitable?

I won't give away the ending, as I would highly recommend people to watch this film, but it really got me thinking about death, call me morbid, but it's something I think about a lot. In depth. I always thought that when my time comes I would welcome it. I'm not scared of dying, and I say it sincerely. I'm not afraid. I would like to live for a while, but if it came to it I would not leave kicking and screaming. I've always thought whatever happens, just happens, and I'm OK with it.

In little over three weeks I leave for home. I've been here almost three months, acheived very little and yet I am content with that, because I have a head full of experiences that I will never forget, and friends that I hope to keep in contact with forever. Forever though, is a very long time. In my life I have left a lot of people behind, people I miss, people I don't. I currently do not know of anyone I ever wish to forget. Right now is one of those times I wish to stand still. So I can take in all of their faces, every little word they say to me, all their little imperfections, all the small things that make them who they are. Because who knows when I'll see them next? Or if I'll see them again - we're not going to live forever.

It's 6:20am. No rest for the wicked...

16/08/2007

So as you may have guessed, it is with deep regret for myself to announce that two members of Dirty Cherry have gone their separate ways, thus leaving Sugar and myself to seek other options. I cannot say that I'm disappointed, because to me it's been a long time coming. When a group of people do not mesh well together you can all feel it, do your best to cover it up, but the outcome is inevitable. Although we will endeavor to find replacement musicians, we feel it is best to put the band on hiatus for a while, and to go at it with fresh eyes upon our return to London in October

15/07/2007

So I left the UK on Tuesday. To say the journey was eventful is a giant understatement. The first plane we took was from Gatwick to Philadelphia. After an eight hour flight and much disturbed sleep, we made it to the international visitiors desk, and after being separated for about half hour, and missing our flight Karin and I were reunited at the customs desk. I have to say the police in Philly were very through, you've got to give them that. After raping our luggage and interrogating us they sent us on our way without even an apology. Although there was a little ray of light when we got to the departure lounge and it turned out we hadn't missed our next flight - it had been delayed by four hours. So after a nice long wait and some lovely chinese chicken that resembled a cat, we finally got onto a flight to Vegas - where we had to wait five more hours for the next connecting flight to LA. After 33 hours of cross-Atlantic travel I can quite easily say I was knackered.

So after a day of catching up on sleep and lazing in the pool in an inflatable pirae ship, we then had the four hour drive up to Las Vegas. We stayed at a hotel called Treasure Island, where a JD and coke at the bar will cost you $7.50, and is served by a silver fox with a southern accent. "You probably get this all the time but yo look fifteen" - Yeah. Cheers. So anway, after polishing off two bottled of champagne, uncounted glasses of JD, going for a nice wander at 7am, coming back to the hotel room, getting in the tub half clothed, and tactically emptying the cotents of my stomach, I found a nice nestling place on the bathroom floor where I had a lovely sleep wrapped in a towel. I can safely say I love Vegas.

Now back in Orange County, I feel so relaxed and content for about the first time in months and I can't help but wonder what I'd be doing right now if I'd stayed in London. Probably would have taken the Music supervisor job. Or be sat at home thinking of a way of getting out of it. God bless America

I had THE weirdest dream last night

Basically I lived in a community, that lived in a field in tents (kind of like Download only without music), and at the side of this field was this big mansion where we would all commune in the evenings, and I lived with people that I hardly see or have never even met, although I do remember Karin being in the first part of the dream, and running with me

The first part of the dream didn't really freak me out, but well let's just say there were tigers and I had to run into the mansion to stop them from mauling me in my tent at night

But the main bit that freaked me out was the fact that every day at a different time, I would randomly pass out and wake up in this warehouse, because some guy who I work with (in real life) had kidnapped me somehow, and I would have to do a task to get out. It was like a cross between Pat Sharp's Fun House and the movie Saw. I couldn't look at my colleague straight today...

Like in this one instance I was in said warehouse and along the side walls there was like little houses and shops, and a big water mill at the back and every so often this cloudy bluey green water would come flowing out at me and settle, then come rushing out again, and I would be struggling and choking on the water. And I could hear his voice telling me I had to escape, but it just made me struggle even more

I'm not too sure about how I got out of that. I must have done somehow though, because the last thing about the dream I remember was trying to re-dye my hair, and the brown layer turning blond, and the blond layer turning brown, and then there being a ginger layer in between the two so I looked like a tiger. I was looking in this mirror trying to smooth this bucket of dye through my hair and crying because it was all going wrong. And then I ran into my bedroom, and my bath was where my bed should be, then I was frantically trying to empty my bath of toys and bras and stuff, so I could get the dye out of hair quickly

I have to say it's up there with the weirdest dreams I've ever had. I wish it I knew what it meant. And don't suggest that it means I'm crazy because that's pretty much a given!!

Fuck it all in the arse

As each day passes I get the increasing feeling that nobody actually gives a fuck about anyone except themselves, and that perhaps I let people walk over me a little too much. I'm always the first to lend a shoulder to cry on, a fiver to the person in need, an ear for the general complaints. But I'm noticing more and more that this is not as reciprocated as I always thought it was.

I have to just clear things up first. My girls are not included in this. They are my rocks, and without them I would be surely lost. And even though I tend not to ask for the shoulder, the fiver, the ear, I know it would be there if I ever did need/want it.

Unfortunately I perhaps have been a little too generous, and my resources are becoming more and more limited. Not only is it tiresome always being there for everybody, but I have no evidence to show that other people would do the same for me. Even with people I have never met, I seem to care about them, which is absolute bullshit. A point which is becoming evermore clear with every passing second.
I can't seem to decide whether it is other people who have changed, becoming more demanding with their little problems and peeves, or whether it is I, maybe becoming more wise to the ulterior motives and duplicity - or maybe I'm just becoming more cynical with age. It's impossible to tell, and improbable that I will ever know.

This past week has pointed out to me more than ever that there is nothing left for me here. Every few years I go through a phase. Maybe it's boredom, I can't be sure, but I get the urge to change every little thing in my life. I change my hair, my job, it even goes as far as my circle of friends. Unfortunately all of these changes have already been made within the last year and there is nowhere left for me to run. Which is essentially what it all boils down to. Escapism.

The only word I can use to describe my life right now is stale. I open my eyes in the morning, same room. I walk out my front door, same council estate. I go to work, same dead end job. I go out at night, same old assholes frequenting the same old bars drinking the same old whiskey, playing the same old music. I come home drunk, the fight to get my key in the front door, search for the landing light, the old lumpy bed. I could go on and on and on, just like every other damn thing that ceases to change in my life.

I plan to run away. Start afresh. New sights, new smells, new people. My only fear right now is what if those too become stale. Then what do I have left? Come back to my past stale life, stay in the present stale life, or keep running, in the hope that I finally end up somewhere right for me.

So back to my original point. I made a decision this evening. After taking a sip from the same old Jack Daniels, and sitting by the same old phone, waiting for the same old friends (who manage to let me down every time no matter how much I bust my ass to keep them happy) - the same old disappointment. I decided to fuck it all. Why should I always put my neck on the line to make sure that everyone else is happy, when no other fucker can bother their arse for me? I always have this front, this bravado, this act like I don't give a fuck. Maybe I don't care. Maybe I care too much. Yet another thing I can never be sure of.

Kears once said to me that most writers have a fear of leaving their work unconcluded, and that I have a tendency to leave my work in it's unfinished state. I agree to a certain extent. But I also disagree. In this world I really find it hard to be certain of anything at all. You never know what is going to happen from day to day. So maybe my disconlcusion, is actually a conclusion in disguise. My lack of being able to finish things off, is simply just because I don't believe you can ever conclude anything. It's like the eternal search for happiness. When you finally achieve true happiness, what have you left to strive for? What have you got left to work towards when you've achieved all your goals? (and yes I do realise I may have just made a few words up there, but fuck that too).

If only I could figure out what it is I am striving for in the first place, then I'd perhaps know where it is I am heading.