Last night I wrote a letter, for my Grandad. And it was probably the second hardest thing I've ever done
Today I went to the Chapel of Rest, and placed the letter on his chest, so that he could read it when he makes his final journey, so that he would know how I felt and it would be just between the two of us. And it was probably the hardest thing I've ever done.
Looking down upon his face he looked so different. The glow in his cheeks, the twinkle in his eye, the big teethy grin, were all gone, and what was left was a stranger to me. The body that lay before me was not my Grandad, but a man I had never seen before.
And I cried no tears, because I knew that this was not MY grandad. He was somewhere else, glowing, twinkling, smiling, just like he always does. I know he is at peace now. And so am I
Tomorrow will be his cremation, and although I'll cry, I'll secretly be happy, because I know I said my goodbye, and he'll be waiting for me on the other side
Wednesday 21 February 2007
First Post...
According to Kears blogging is the new hip thing to do, and since he is the height of coolness I thought I'd give it a whirl. Might alleviate some boredom whilst I'm not out rocking and rolling as they put it.
I don't normally have much to say for myself that I wouldn't mind telling people, but now seems like an appropriate time to start letting people in, being that I need to make some sort of focus in my life. My main goal for this year is to get my band off the ground. A mere pipe-dream I've had since I was but a girl, and right now the only thing in the future I have to look forward to, and I'm hoping that maybe this might give me some perspective.
I recently suffered a huge loss in my life. My Grandad, who had been terminally ill since last May finally passed away a week ago, and although I knew his death was imminent nothing in the world could have prepared me for the huge feeling of loss and emptiness that I feel right now. I told myself all the way through his illness that I would keep visits to a minimum, because the memories I have of him are so precious to me that I didn't want them clouded by new ones of him in his fragile state. And I do not regret this decision at all. He was always such a strong man, an ex-firefighter turned construction worker, and I treasured him more than he will ever know. Although we are not related by blood, never once did he make me feel any different to any other member of the family, when other people didn't and he always made me feel special, just like a grandfather should. My only regret is that I didn't get to make him proud. He always said I would be a star, called me his little super-model, and now he's gone I feel that I'll have that extra push, just to show everyone that he was right, and that they were all wrong.
So, essentially, even though this experience has brought an end, so too it brings a new beginning, a new chapter in my life.
My mum invited my Aunt round last night with her baby son Tai. Looking into his face I felt content for the first time in a week. Normally I don't get on with babies, we just don't seem to understand each other, but it was so refreshing to look into a face that was so full of love, looking at everything for the first time, untainted by this ugly world in which we live in. Death and life sometimes makes me wonder what the point of being here is
Which is why I'm going to make something of myself while I still can
I don't normally have much to say for myself that I wouldn't mind telling people, but now seems like an appropriate time to start letting people in, being that I need to make some sort of focus in my life. My main goal for this year is to get my band off the ground. A mere pipe-dream I've had since I was but a girl, and right now the only thing in the future I have to look forward to, and I'm hoping that maybe this might give me some perspective.
I recently suffered a huge loss in my life. My Grandad, who had been terminally ill since last May finally passed away a week ago, and although I knew his death was imminent nothing in the world could have prepared me for the huge feeling of loss and emptiness that I feel right now. I told myself all the way through his illness that I would keep visits to a minimum, because the memories I have of him are so precious to me that I didn't want them clouded by new ones of him in his fragile state. And I do not regret this decision at all. He was always such a strong man, an ex-firefighter turned construction worker, and I treasured him more than he will ever know. Although we are not related by blood, never once did he make me feel any different to any other member of the family, when other people didn't and he always made me feel special, just like a grandfather should. My only regret is that I didn't get to make him proud. He always said I would be a star, called me his little super-model, and now he's gone I feel that I'll have that extra push, just to show everyone that he was right, and that they were all wrong.
So, essentially, even though this experience has brought an end, so too it brings a new beginning, a new chapter in my life.
My mum invited my Aunt round last night with her baby son Tai. Looking into his face I felt content for the first time in a week. Normally I don't get on with babies, we just don't seem to understand each other, but it was so refreshing to look into a face that was so full of love, looking at everything for the first time, untainted by this ugly world in which we live in. Death and life sometimes makes me wonder what the point of being here is
Which is why I'm going to make something of myself while I still can
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