15/09/2007

It's 5;30am. At the moment the quest for sleep seems to be a never-ending struggle. Most of the time I dont mind. Sometimes I don't even want to sleep. There's just so many more productive things I could be doing with my life. Right now just happens not to be one of those times. Sometimes I wish time would just stand still so that I can just sit back and take everything in. Even for a moment. Sometimes I want time to stop altogether. Just to stop being. Not to die, but just to fade away. It's times like these where I want to sleep. Just put my weary head down and rest forvever. There's no feeling more frustrating than not being able to.

Today has been a day for long drawn out conversations. Today my two friends and I discussed religion and what it means to us. It's funny how when you meet new people from across the world they can have the same beliefs and ideas that you do, even when you have a completely different upbringing and background. It's also funny when you find out people you've known for years have a completely diffrent view. I was brought up at a Christian school, and although neither of my parents were religious I would take myself to church every Sunday. It was nice to have something to believe in, a group of people to belong to.

Another thing which intrigues me is how your beliefs change as you grow older. With time, I wouldn't say I have grown skeptical, but through my adolescent years I did pull away from my beliefs. I don't believe in a God per-say, but what I DO believe is that there is a higher being, a reason for our existence, and I also believe there is some form of after-life, be it reincarnation or another plane of existence. I find it hard to believe that we weren't made for some reason, that we were just blinked into existence, and that when we die that's it, and you're gone. I just find it very difficult to comprehend, however fantastical my ideas may seem.

I just finished watching a film an hour ago. A film where one of the most beautiful young women I have ever seen is dying of cancer, and her extremely handsome husband (who just so happens to be a doctor) is fighting to find a cure to keep her by his side forever. The dying wife, writes a story, which kind of acts as a side-story to the plot of the film, in which two warring countries are searching for the Tree of Life, which they believe (as Genesis depicts) was hidden by God after original sin. The Queen (played by the dying wife) of one of the countries sends her lover (the husband) to find it, so that they can live forever side by side.

Whilst watching the film my friend said to me that you can live forever through music, through art, through having children, through leaving things that make your mark on the world. But after time these things will diminish, new songs will be sung, new pictures will be painted, new children will be born. So what is the never-ending struggle for eternal life? Why are people so reluctant to give in to the inevitable?

I won't give away the ending, as I would highly recommend people to watch this film, but it really got me thinking about death, call me morbid, but it's something I think about a lot. In depth. I always thought that when my time comes I would welcome it. I'm not scared of dying, and I say it sincerely. I'm not afraid. I would like to live for a while, but if it came to it I would not leave kicking and screaming. I've always thought whatever happens, just happens, and I'm OK with it.

In little over three weeks I leave for home. I've been here almost three months, acheived very little and yet I am content with that, because I have a head full of experiences that I will never forget, and friends that I hope to keep in contact with forever. Forever though, is a very long time. In my life I have left a lot of people behind, people I miss, people I don't. I currently do not know of anyone I ever wish to forget. Right now is one of those times I wish to stand still. So I can take in all of their faces, every little word they say to me, all their little imperfections, all the small things that make them who they are. Because who knows when I'll see them next? Or if I'll see them again - we're not going to live forever.

It's 6:20am. No rest for the wicked...