2007

So this year put a lot of stuff in perspective for me. I've learnt a lot about myself. Not all good things but I'm working on that.

I'm learning that no matter how much you think you know someone they can still surprise you. And some of the time it won't be in a good way.

I've learnt that I hate society and all that it dictates. Fuck your ideals of what I should or should not do. If I want to go out get drunk, get fucked and generally mess my life up that's my choice. And if I DON'T want a proper job, or to get married, squeeze a couple bastards out, get divorced by the age of 40, have a mid-life crisis where I become a biker-dyke and die young(ish) and alone, leaving a bunch of debt and a mortgage to the little brats who ruined my life, that's my choice too, and fuck anyone who tells me I SHOULD be doing otherwise. Who decided that shit anyway?

I've learnt that I really am shit at "relationships". Well, I knew that before, but I've figured I really do not want to devote myself to someone. EVER. It just doesn't work, it's not in me. I hate being caged in and I get crazy. Whatever happened to the days where we used to just have fun and it was OK?

I've learnt not to listen to other people because the majority of them are full of shit. Be it jealousy, spite, or just pure stupidity a lot of people will do what they can to drag you down. And I ain't letting no motherfuckers make a dick out of me.

I've learnt that I'm not as big and strong as I like to think I am, although I never admit it and probably won't do anything about it. So fuck it in the arse.

I've learnt that as much as I fight with my family, (and even though they seem to hate me right at this very minute and I'm not too fond of them either) that they're the only family I have - and even though it seems we can't live together anymore that they will always be there for me, what's left of my family anyways.

I've learnt that funerals are a good way for your living family members to get together and criticize everything about you, which this time round has been a blessing because I've realised while I AM still alive I don't want to end up like ANY of them, and now is the time for me to get off my arse and do something about it.

I've also learnt that if I need to change something about my life now is the time to act, and there ain't no-one out there who is going to be able to help me, because the change is something I need to do for myself, and it will help me grow into the person that I eventually hope to be.

So to the people this year who have let me down, judged me, told me that I can't do shit, FUCK YOU! And watch this space motherfucker.

And to the people who are still there, no matter how much I try to push them away, to my friends (what little there are left) - old friends and new one, thankyou. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me that you put up with my shit, my neuroses, my quirks. This is a new beginning for me.

And no I'm not in a shit mood, I'm just feeling blunt. No different from usual then eh?

2008 is going to be my year, ain't anyone going to stop me.

I'm Gonna Let Bob Do This One For Me

Go 'way from my window,
Leave at your own chosen speed.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I'm not the one you need.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Never weak but always strong,
To protect you an' defend you
Whether you are right or wrong,
Someone to open each and every door,
But it ain't me, babe,No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go lightly from the ledge, babe,
Go lightly on the ground.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I will only let you down.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who will promise never to part,
Someone to close his eyes for you,
Someone to close his heart,
Someone who will die for you an' more,
But it ain't me, babe,No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go melt back into the night, babe,
Everything inside is made of stone.
There's nothing in here moving
An' anyway I'm not alone.
You say you're looking for someone
Who'll pick you up each time you fall,
To gather flowers constantly
An' to come each time you call,
A lover for your life an' nothing more,
But it ain't me, babe,No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

10/10/2007

Today I'm reminded of the phrase "When it rains, it pours".

Yesterday I returned from California, where I spent the happiest 90 days of my life. I caught up with old friends who I love very much, and I made new friends who I also love, and I hope it isn't too long before I see them again.

Now at home I feel lost. So much has happened in the course of two days. I left behind a boyfriend, and some of the best friends I will ever have. I found out that my Grandad died while I was away. I came home to a house where I feel like a guest as I don't even have a bed to sleep in, but a nice sofa. Alone. And some other things that I don't even want to put down on paper, because I fear my heart will break.

Now the only thing I have to look forward to is a funeral, looking for another dead-end job, and well.... that's all I've thought through for now.

Looks like I'm in the same mess I was three months ago, only this time I feel I've lost a lot more. Sometimes I really do wish the world would swallow me up.

06/10/2007

Yet another sleepless early morning. I've got my problems whittled down to the fact that I'm just neurotic - there can be no other solution. Another morning of waking up at 5.30, cold and alone, and realising that my prettier half has yet again opted for a night on the sofa with a film, instead of coming to sleep next to me. And because I'm insane, it bothered me.

Most of the time when I have what I call "Night Crazies" I do stupid things. I send text messages that I later regret, or an email, sometimes even a song. There are other kinds of crazies too. I get what Sugar and I refer to as "Girl Crazies". Most of the time we like to think that we're not like other girls, but every so often usually when there's a member of the opposite sex in mind, we get "Girl Crazy". I'm not usually jealous, or possessive, or any of the other traits that girls can have when they are in a relationship, but occasionally something will shift and the girl in me will take over.

When the "Girl" and the "Night" crazies are combined it's a lethal combination, and is probably what's fuelling this very blog. No doubt I'll look back in a couple days I'll look back at this and think to myself how stupid I sound, with my girly little problems. I just get the feeling that one day they won't be crazies any more, but they might become a permanent resident in my head.

And God help the man who just so happens to be in my line of vision at that time.

15/09/2007

It's 5;30am. At the moment the quest for sleep seems to be a never-ending struggle. Most of the time I dont mind. Sometimes I don't even want to sleep. There's just so many more productive things I could be doing with my life. Right now just happens not to be one of those times. Sometimes I wish time would just stand still so that I can just sit back and take everything in. Even for a moment. Sometimes I want time to stop altogether. Just to stop being. Not to die, but just to fade away. It's times like these where I want to sleep. Just put my weary head down and rest forvever. There's no feeling more frustrating than not being able to.

Today has been a day for long drawn out conversations. Today my two friends and I discussed religion and what it means to us. It's funny how when you meet new people from across the world they can have the same beliefs and ideas that you do, even when you have a completely different upbringing and background. It's also funny when you find out people you've known for years have a completely diffrent view. I was brought up at a Christian school, and although neither of my parents were religious I would take myself to church every Sunday. It was nice to have something to believe in, a group of people to belong to.

Another thing which intrigues me is how your beliefs change as you grow older. With time, I wouldn't say I have grown skeptical, but through my adolescent years I did pull away from my beliefs. I don't believe in a God per-say, but what I DO believe is that there is a higher being, a reason for our existence, and I also believe there is some form of after-life, be it reincarnation or another plane of existence. I find it hard to believe that we weren't made for some reason, that we were just blinked into existence, and that when we die that's it, and you're gone. I just find it very difficult to comprehend, however fantastical my ideas may seem.

I just finished watching a film an hour ago. A film where one of the most beautiful young women I have ever seen is dying of cancer, and her extremely handsome husband (who just so happens to be a doctor) is fighting to find a cure to keep her by his side forever. The dying wife, writes a story, which kind of acts as a side-story to the plot of the film, in which two warring countries are searching for the Tree of Life, which they believe (as Genesis depicts) was hidden by God after original sin. The Queen (played by the dying wife) of one of the countries sends her lover (the husband) to find it, so that they can live forever side by side.

Whilst watching the film my friend said to me that you can live forever through music, through art, through having children, through leaving things that make your mark on the world. But after time these things will diminish, new songs will be sung, new pictures will be painted, new children will be born. So what is the never-ending struggle for eternal life? Why are people so reluctant to give in to the inevitable?

I won't give away the ending, as I would highly recommend people to watch this film, but it really got me thinking about death, call me morbid, but it's something I think about a lot. In depth. I always thought that when my time comes I would welcome it. I'm not scared of dying, and I say it sincerely. I'm not afraid. I would like to live for a while, but if it came to it I would not leave kicking and screaming. I've always thought whatever happens, just happens, and I'm OK with it.

In little over three weeks I leave for home. I've been here almost three months, acheived very little and yet I am content with that, because I have a head full of experiences that I will never forget, and friends that I hope to keep in contact with forever. Forever though, is a very long time. In my life I have left a lot of people behind, people I miss, people I don't. I currently do not know of anyone I ever wish to forget. Right now is one of those times I wish to stand still. So I can take in all of their faces, every little word they say to me, all their little imperfections, all the small things that make them who they are. Because who knows when I'll see them next? Or if I'll see them again - we're not going to live forever.

It's 6:20am. No rest for the wicked...

16/08/2007

So as you may have guessed, it is with deep regret for myself to announce that two members of Dirty Cherry have gone their separate ways, thus leaving Sugar and myself to seek other options. I cannot say that I'm disappointed, because to me it's been a long time coming. When a group of people do not mesh well together you can all feel it, do your best to cover it up, but the outcome is inevitable. Although we will endeavor to find replacement musicians, we feel it is best to put the band on hiatus for a while, and to go at it with fresh eyes upon our return to London in October

15/07/2007

So I left the UK on Tuesday. To say the journey was eventful is a giant understatement. The first plane we took was from Gatwick to Philadelphia. After an eight hour flight and much disturbed sleep, we made it to the international visitiors desk, and after being separated for about half hour, and missing our flight Karin and I were reunited at the customs desk. I have to say the police in Philly were very through, you've got to give them that. After raping our luggage and interrogating us they sent us on our way without even an apology. Although there was a little ray of light when we got to the departure lounge and it turned out we hadn't missed our next flight - it had been delayed by four hours. So after a nice long wait and some lovely chinese chicken that resembled a cat, we finally got onto a flight to Vegas - where we had to wait five more hours for the next connecting flight to LA. After 33 hours of cross-Atlantic travel I can quite easily say I was knackered.

So after a day of catching up on sleep and lazing in the pool in an inflatable pirae ship, we then had the four hour drive up to Las Vegas. We stayed at a hotel called Treasure Island, where a JD and coke at the bar will cost you $7.50, and is served by a silver fox with a southern accent. "You probably get this all the time but yo look fifteen" - Yeah. Cheers. So anway, after polishing off two bottled of champagne, uncounted glasses of JD, going for a nice wander at 7am, coming back to the hotel room, getting in the tub half clothed, and tactically emptying the cotents of my stomach, I found a nice nestling place on the bathroom floor where I had a lovely sleep wrapped in a towel. I can safely say I love Vegas.

Now back in Orange County, I feel so relaxed and content for about the first time in months and I can't help but wonder what I'd be doing right now if I'd stayed in London. Probably would have taken the Music supervisor job. Or be sat at home thinking of a way of getting out of it. God bless America